Exploiting My fears... Well i just got this e-mail today from Rachel...i dunno if this is such a good idea. She e-mailed MTV, because they're doing a show about Phobias soon and well she told them all about my fears. Strange they are...but hey, its a big world and hey people are afraid of open space, why not balloons and driving? But anyway i don't feel too comfy about MTV talking about me, I'm not too good with criticism either. Maybe...if they didn't reveal my face..or anything. But i know they're gonna want evidence...so they're most likely gonna attack me with the devil latex and tape my reaction. I'm not too keen with that idea. well anyway, here's the e-mail :

i wrote to mtv about your phobia. they are doing a show about phobias. you
might want to contact them they sound interested!!
----- Original Message -----
From: "MTVi, Phobia"
Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2002 8:41 AM
Subject: RE: my best friend jen


>
> Hello Rachel....We would like to hear more about your friend, jen, and her
fear of balloons. Will you ask her when and where we can call her as soon
as possible. Thanks!
>
> -----Original Message-----
> Sent: Wed 5/22/2002 3:55 AM
> To: MTVi, Phobia
> Cc:
> Subject: my best friend jen
>
>
> For as long as I have known her, my best friend Jennifer has had a fear of
balloons. the sight of a balloon makes her heart begin to race. each of our
careless male friends has misconstrued this fear as a simple annoyance and
they have actually popped balloons next to her head even though i tell them
repeatedly that it is not a joke. however, once they see the consequences
they never do it again. she breaks down and cries, begins to shake, and
starts panting. it's a physical response and it takes her a good hour to
calm down to a normal breathing pattern. it has gotten to the point where
she cannot be in the same room with any balloons. if i see a balloon in her
path, i normally approach the balloon-carrier and ask them to store the
balloons some place else. jen could barely stand on the field for her
homecoming crowning ceremony because we had a balloon canopy. I'm not sure
why she has this phobia or why her body responds so outlandishly. actually,
if there are any specialist that could offer some insight, i would be most
grateful
> sincerely
> rachel

Well i dunno whether to be mad or...happy that i'm getting help..i'm not too sure. Because..my own PARENTs...don't know about this. She's the only one. Well other friends are witness to it...but well. my own parents don't know about this and i'm not too sure i want to share this with them, let alone the whole cable watching community. Well i've probably just shared with with a billion internet people...but i'm..well.. i dunno.

I think i swallowed a seed. haha.this is what i live for. its that point of the night..where when i do nothing, hands start to shake. warm coronas suck..so i stuck a whole lemon in the 5th bottle and stuck it in the freezer. watched Crime and punishment in Suburbia hey, that movie was semi-decent. by the first five minutes..i thought it was gonna be all pornographic..but it turned out to be..euphoric. i was just like..i don't have that spirit. i wish i did. then again. the main character is in search of her heart and she doesn't know it. i dunno..do I wanna find mine? at times, YES. at times..hell no. john didn't call today. dammit..left my phone downstairs. don't wanna go down a long dark flight of stairs right now...then again..i'm typing coherently..i think. i can handle it.pah..i would barely pass a sobriety test right now. who do i want? no one. i don't need anyone.yeah i don't need shit. time passes so slowly. i need to figger myself out before i drive myself crazy. downloading some thrice while i calm down and let the magic work its way through my small body. i gotta pee now.

yanno nicole made me feel all nice earlier. she actually read my shit. It makes a person feel great to be appreciated for something they like doing. That kinda thing would keep a crazy person like me from committing suicide or something like that. I love you nicole. She was feeling all crappy, then read my stuff then felt better. I like this. Thank you. I talked to genie too about problems. i concluded that males and females SUCK and we all just need to be loners..so that no one has ANY problems. Then. World peace should occur shortly after. duh ~!!!

And this hot girl..she's not your average girl haha the only boyband i fell for. O-town. I'm going through all my cds..and i found my old birthday cd from when everyone kidnapped me last year. What a week that was. i remember that and if you've seen our spanish final video this year, you'd understand even more. haha. Well anyway i'm rustlin through here for dance music. Seems entertaining enough. MY voice has come back, finally...been gone almost a whole week. Dang, i could never be a professional singer if i wanted to. I guess i'll stick to writing..." do you really want to hurtttt meeee " hahahaha dang this cd has the best songs on it. Vengaboys..trance remix..hahaha. i can play that on the piano. i was cleaning the house all day..the house cleaning lady never came. meh..oh well. i'm gonna clean my room tonight, if i don't go out or somethin. its 7 and no one's called yet. hum.

strange call steven and john just called. they're so freakin funny, i love those two. steven pretended to be a girl, i still knew it was him. they were saying how they're gonna miss me cuz i don't work at the hospital and i just graduated. they're freakin out cuz they can't come to me party. they're so crazy, i AM gonna miss those two koreans. they thought i was rascist because i wasn't having filipino food at my party..they wanted to bring kimchee and all their korean food. their logic, i don't understand either. but anyway. my phone hasn't been called all day, oh pooie. oh well i guess i'll work on my site again.

byungshin34: r u ever gonna go back to volunteering?
yeLLoduckie1: nahh.. i don't wanna
byungshin34: :'(
byungshin34: p....pp.....ppp.....pppp......pppppplease? could u come back?
yeLLoduckie1: NO ! steven ko ko puffs
byungshin34: argh!
byungshin34: that's not my name!
yeLLoduckie1: KO KO PUFFS
byungshin34: no!
byungshin34: stop it!
yeLLoduckie1: ok
byungshin34: Yay!
yeLLoduckie1: what?
byungshin34: I won the argument!
yeLLoduckie1: no i'm not coming, i just agreed to stop calling you ko ko puffs.
byungshin34: What?!
yeLLoduckie1: Stevie POO
byungshin34: No! how about komeister??

artficial rememberization that's the title of my new green journal from barnes and noble. Its so fun to write in. in fact i came to barnes and noble again...bought mark a drink with my card. It's anna's birthday, and where else would she be?? barnes and noble. That's like her heaven. anyway i think we're gonna surprise her next week. orrr, i could surprise her with cake this saturday....good idea. went tothe mall bought two party shirts..bright orange and bright green...walked by myself for a while. Went to applebee's for lunch, john called in the middle of it...YEAH SO WHAT IF I HAVE FREE NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS?? gotta problem with that huh john?? haha, anyway i called him back, left messages..went to work at the hospital..it was mega boring. i took some pix off the wall..left a note for the wednesday crew. went cherry pickin with mom..she was acting like she took some vicodin or something, she was all talking about diahhrea and peeing. it was weird. Working on a new site . Meh i might leave it unfinished like the others...nothing new to me.

Xl nite lx: do you know what kind of food you are going to have
Xl nite lx: will it be soft?
YeLLoDuCKiE1: thai food
YeLLoDuCKiE1: why?
YeLLoDuCKiE1: wisdom teeth?
Xl nite lx: i got my wisdoms pulled yesterday
YeLLoDuCKiE1: aieeeeeeee
YeLLoDuCKiE1: i'll make you soft food
Xl nite lx: cool. thanks jen
Xl nite lx: its kinda funny because one cheek is really puffy and the other you can barley tell
YeLLoDuCKiE1: aww...did it hurt like a farkin mofo?
Xl nite lx: after the novacaine wore out yes
Xl nite lx: apparently vicaden doesnt work on me
YeLLoDuCKiE1: yikes

Lando1421: i think mark wanted to go out today
Lando1421: actually wait! i have money
Lando1421: so i dont need mark
YeLLoDuCKiE1: my mom's makin us work at the hospital...
Lando1421: oh how nice
YeLLoDuCKiE1: he doesn't have money now either

I just took a personality test on asianavnue.com.
Results:
Paranoid: Very High
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

Schizoid: High
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

Schizotypal : High
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Antisocial: High
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Borderline: Very High
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Histrionic: Very High
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic: Very High
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Avoidant: High
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Dependent: Moderate
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.

Obsessive-Compulsive : High
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

CalPCelica: ill tell em to grab ur ass lol
YeLLoDuCKiE1: excuse me??!
CalPCelica: dhfashha
CalPCelica: o u mean verbally
CalPCelica: ahha
YeLLoDuCKiE1: lol
CalPCelica: hmm

not once,not twice...but Thrice is nicesEnd me an angel right noooowwww yeah dude..thrice is kick ass. danny's right. I was flippin channels earlier and caught a snag of the end of Josie and the Pussycats. Oh man...that was the worst stand anyone has taken against conformity. Satirical yes. Too damn popular to be unique though. Sorry. Plus you DO NOT pretend to sing good music. No way, i can't BELIEVE Letters to Cleo let thar Rachel Leigh Cook lip sync to their music. Letters to Cleo has been hidden behind quiky girl movies for wayy too long. Dang i wish their music sucked, otherwise i wouldn't listen to it and want them to be recognized for their genius. YIKES. my burners on both my computers are pissing me off. YAIIIII.
YeLLoDuCKiE1: erf, my voice is still crapped out
PhoenixNkorn: maybe you'll be better by saturday
PhoenixNkorn: you should just not talk until then
YeLLoDuCKiE1: meh, telling jenn not to talk is like telling the niagra to stop falling.

Weh, i had a short dentist appt today at 2. then me and chris went to barones for lunch. Then i did nothing all day. well actually i blended 4 long strings of rave music...i have like 2 hours of straight beats..i sued Acid 2.0 to fade them together..its gonna sound tight on saturday.

Italian songs make me feel nice oh man...BOY do i need to feel nice right about now. I just got the results from my Subject A exam, yeah i didn't pass. I feel really stupid right now. Now it makes me wonder if i passed my AP or IB tests. I thought that essay was really good. I feel confident when i walked out of there. I wrote more than i usually do, i actually thought about it. FUCK, i was taking 16 IB and AP tests that week, did they really expect me to pass them all? i freakin guess so

hahaha omg, i seriously have this clarvoyant thing. I bought a new journal yesterday at Barnes and noble. danny picked it out for me, it was high up on the shelf, i didn't see it. NEPALESE paper. hahahaha. anyway..danny and meg, picked me up yesterday so i could run errands with them. went to walmart, developed film ..pics of my ass. thank you very much danny o. we went to best buy...looked for tony...for a good phone deal. But weh, he was on lunch break. went to barnes and noble...that's where i got my new journal..we went to eat to kill time...picked up my pics...visited tony, i bought earphones and a cd folder. went to my house and chilled for a bit. Meg was all dead on the couch, they really like my couches. Tony and chris came over and sat fora little bit...we went to the mall again, bought me a wallet...then went to tony's to wait for John to come over. Chris had to go to AVC, so tony took him and i waited at the house with tony's parents..they're so NICE. Dude..then john came...talking to tony on his cell. that was funny.. we chilled in tony's room..EWW john's dirty minded, he didn't bring any clothes to sleep in. THAT's DIRTY !!!! ewwww..we drove to the movies to watch murder by numbers.. yeah john didn't bring his ID..but we somehow all watched the movie. I SWEAR those guys in the movie were GAY ...and i don't get why the movie was called murder by numbers !!!!!! someone please explain it to me. I spent the night talkin to tony and john on our new cell phones. free nights and weekends BABY. call me up later if you got my number, i swear ! let's do something.

NeoSpiderGold: lol...my mom's so funny.
YeLLoDuCKiE1: what?
NeoSpiderGold: she just walked in and said.."where have you been? it looks like you just went somewhere.."
NeoSpiderGold: and i'm in my PJs.
YeLLoDuCKiE1: lol
NeoSpiderGold: well she knows i go places in my PJs.
YeLLoDuCKiE1: HAHAHAHAH

there goes my sister trying to cheer me up again, thanks for that and plus during the senior slide show. Thanks. aiyahh, my voice is still dead from kareoke.

Coffeee makes me throw up Not really. But watching other people fall in love does.reminds me of son of sam i never saw it...hahaha oh man, john leguizamo was in that. oh man i'm rediscovering ravelinks.com. mega awesome rave radio. I'm so lovin' dj daddy's super re-mixing. i think i'll burn it for my party.lemme see if i can figger this out. hahaha ..anyhoo. i can't sleep yet again and i have nothing to do...i sit here with my new laptop reading things i shouldn't be reading...things like that make people think and i'm not a great thinker, i think wrong things..but maybe this time i might be right. I've gotten used to not having my long nails and i type faster than ever, i just gotta get used to this touch pad thing...weh i keep hitting it and makin mistakes...blarggggg. Anyhoo. i decided to make my own senior slide show and debut it next saturday, so that my friends have something to remember me by, because of damn geocities and...well..they just suck, my site was a complete bomb....even if no one had time to react to it...it sucks. trust me. pisses me off. i hate geocities so i'm gonna make my own senior slide show. DAMMIT hahaha. yanno your fly is undone. what? you don't have a fly...oh wait ...mine's undone. just kidding, just being delirious again.

matters of the pancreas

Alwaze 03: is he coming over on sat?
YeLLoDuCKiE1: yeah.. dude...my mom loves him...he's comin early to cook
YeLLoDuCKiE1: my mom is like the hardest obstacle for boys.
Alwaze 03: that freaking rocks!
Alwaze 03: join the club
Alwaze 03: at least you get it
Alwaze 03: grrr
YeLLoDuCKiE1: well wait, this is early, i haven't fucked it up yet.
Alwaze 03: gah,...and you won't, its never your fault
YeLLoDuCKiE1: i dunno if i should do this just yet..haha..

haha omg..the picture, freaking floored i swear. lol....anyway..another thing buggin me...people keep asking why i don't drive. MY mo makes it fuckin worse by saying i'm scared..and people ask why. God i wish i could just erase it or something...i always hear "WHY??? you lazy or something?? " "Why are you scared?? you're 18, you can go get it right now" crikey. ok ok !!! I AM SCARED ok, I"M FUCKING SCARED SHITLESS OUTTA MY FUCKING PANTS you happy now? FUCK.. i didn't wanna admit it, but i guess i'm gonna have to.ok, it was a long time ago, but that car accident has really scarred me. everytime someone talks about it..i get even more freaked out. dude i know it was no one's fault, i don't blame anyone...ya hear, i don't blame ANYONE. it coulda happened to anyone... Alright you happy now?! jesus crispy. and everytime i see each person that was in the wreck, i get all nervous and scared. god damn. it fucking sucks to be reminded of it everytime you see or talk to certain people, people you see everyday, best friends too...people you LOVE talking to.. GOD IT TEARS ME APART. Its like being stabbed in the leg, and each time i'm reminded..its like dragging the knife up...wounding me even more. since then, things have never been the same....thing were left ambiguous..and my listening has been even more fine tuned making me believe things and i thought a lot for a week...and from then i stopped thinking...cuz i know thinking fucks up everything. it wasn't a big accident on the outside...but inside, i practically died. it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me so far. i hate talking about it, so don't ask. this is the last time that i'll talk about it.Some people came out stronger and smarter...well i didn't.

wah wah wah, shut up and stop crying. oh man, some people just swim in hypocrisy. i shake my head and laugh...then i move on. weh dah doo dee doo. lol...as soon as i think that i have nothing to talk about, my mom goes and fucks it up. hahahaha...she like just lectured me on her "expectations" for the damn summer. she knows that i have absolutely nothing to do and tons of time. So if i don't do my chores, she can take away my laptop, cell and palm pilot away iof i don't comply. What a crock. bah...can't wait to go to college and prove THEM wrong. They think i'm gonna fail, they think i'm gonna piss off my roommate, they think that i can't do anything right, well FUCK you..not like you were the perfect fucking student back in your day, you had it easy, affirmative action and shit. so don't tell me how to live..you don't know SHIT.
moving onnn...
futureplayboy17: hey I got a q, try not to laugh too hard now
YeLLoDuCKiE1: try me.
futureplayboy17: is it ok if I bring my friend bernie to your party
YeLLoDuCKiE1: lol
futureplayboy17: haha
YeLLoDuCKiE1: yeah its fine Nicole.
YeLLoDuCKiE1: the more the merrier
futureplayboy17: haha ok
futureplayboy17: I told him about how you were talking about ddr and he laughed
YeLLoDuCKiE1: of course he would.
futureplayboy17: he said "tell her I hurt my foot and I cant play"

hehe well anyway i have a party soon and i need to find things to do before then...time stops when you're waiting for something.

i cut my nails off today oh man, yeah my nails were pretty damn long, and i cut them off today and painted them red, and now that i'm typing ,i'm NOT achieving the best accuracy, how strange. haha. well the last three days have been a blur. meh and i'm damn tired from it all. i woke this morning and couldn't comprehend that high school had ended for me and i had a cell, palm pilot, laptop and an ass load of cash.

it really started last tuesday, my grandparents arrived with my uncles. we laughed and ate adobo...then they left for Vegas. School was incredibly slow, especially grad practice. Friday, Ate ann and chase and uncle dan came. Laughed more and ate more. Friday came and that senior slide show sucked tons of balloons and panic attack..., i was in a it a couple of times, but they didn't put my picture in, that kinda pissed me off, picked up the valedictorian medal and traded tixs with people. anyhoo, i got ready...flipped my hair...ate jovs came. I went to the gym, it was windy, my stoles kept hitting me in the face. Took tons of pictures..mrs. parks took one of me and and others..she said "Ok everyone, say SEXXX !!" lol. she's so great i swear. we lined up....sat with rachel, chandi and chris, my sisters, whom i will remember for an eternity...darn. haha. graduation was adequate..oh what i could hear at least. meh, i wasn't compelled to throw my hat in the air really wasn't compelled to cry either, cuz i know these people won't leave my life anyway.

i took more pics afterward...waved to the camera..while we were parading in, i passed right by my clan and they were so loud..especially ate jovs..with the squeaky toy. we went out to takeos after grabbing my diploma from my counselor. it was good eatin. i had some free flaing ice cream...mom and dad argued abotu the dessert for tomorow...we got home, i changed...called chris and waited outside with kendrick and brand.

Got to gene's there was a ton of people there playing ddr , pool, watchin movies and chillin. Anna gave me a damn bruise on my ass. i lounged around ,sucked at ddr, hit a ping pong ball...fell asleep on Jehu. Mrs. Yang woke us all up and served me bacon and eggs. yeehaw. that was really nice. jehu took me home at like 5:30...rachel called my cell right before i stuck my key into my door..she told me a little about grad night...beh, she went to gene's. i came inside and everyone was asleep. i crawled into bed and woke up in the middle of my family party..

that was a lot of greeting cards. tons of food, a large roast pig. a jumpy house, sno cones..the pool...kareoke. Yeah that was fun. bryan brought the prom pics, omg i look like a slut...weh oh well. paterick and bryan dropped by..they had fun. John and jason were here, we like laid in the jumpy house for a long time, and john wouldn't get outta the spa. They gave me 50 dollars and a necklace thingy...good god, me and rachel were hoping it wasn't a lavender PEARL..lol..he gave me a picture i made all my thank you cards....waiting for more things to happen to me.